Using Books To Help Children Identify and Talk About Feelings
When young children are experiencing difficulties in their daily life, reading about other children with similar problems can help them see hope for their situation. When children read about others in similar situations, they come to realize they are not the only ones with those fears and concerns. Experienced therapists use of children's books to solve emotional problems is known as "Bibliotherapy" The titles recommended are intended to ease the concerns and fears of young children in today's world.
Books can be a mirror, reflecting people your child can identify with or a window, providing opportunities to step into someone else's shoes. Reading is also a safe way to explore issues without personalizing them. Being able to have some distance from a challenging topic may help your child think about the issues more clearly. Here is a simple, three-part method to help you use books to talk about the core issues that predictably occur in adoptive families.
- Select a story about a child dealing with one of life's deeper or more challenging issues. Anything from the loss of a pet, to trying to fit in at school, to feeling parents are not being fair. The book does not have to be about adoption or race to deal with core issues for your child. What you are looking for is something your child will be touched by or excited about, a story to jump start conversation. Create a cozy, quiet atmosphere where nothing short of an emergency will disturb your special time to read together. Cuddle in and take all the time in the world to read the book you've chosen to your child. The setting should feel intimate and very, very safe.
- After reading the book together, talk with your child exclusively about the characters in the story to understand his feelings about the plot and the personalities: "How did you like it when the boy did that?" "What do you think he could have done differently?" "Do you think his friend made a good choice?" or "I think the Dad was being really unfair when he did that, what do you think? " After a while, when the conversation comes to a natural end, you can decide whether you and your child have already gone deeply enough into the topic. It is important to keep the conversation focused on the characters in the book. This allows your child the safety of expressing their opinion about feelings without having to necessarily explore feelings about their own situation that may be scary or difficult for them to articulate.
- If you and your child want to take it further, lean back in your chair and say something like..."Gee, this story reminds me of the time in my own life when..." slowly tell a story from your personal history that is important to you, emotional and true which relates to the topic of the book and your previous discussion. Be sure to include a deep description of how you were feeling at the time the story took place. For example, "did I ever tell you about the time when I was a little kid and my dog got hit by a car?" Your description of your emotions will likely have a lot of impact on your child. Encourage him to ask questions and answer them all. Then, gently, ask if the story in the book reminds him of anything that ever happened to him. If the mood has been set and he feels truly safe to share, you are likely to be amazed at what you hear next. Listen with every pore of your body. Very often this becomes a moment when children will share inner fears or feelings that may never have been offered before. When he is finished, hold him close. If it seems appropriate, talk about his story and ask questions. This may be an incredible opportunity to find out how he really feels about things that you didn't even know he was thinking about.
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