Pact, An Adoption Alliance - Personal Profiles

Personal Profiles

A Journey of Self Discovery
by Marta Barton

I was on a train, moving at incredible speed. All of the passengers on this train were important people in my life, immediate family and close friends. I was desperately trying to find someone to share my secret, but no one would listen to me. Instead they yelled at me and shunned me, as if I had some dreadful, contagious disease. The train abruptly came to a screeching halt. My friend of 13 years boarded the train. As the train began to move again, I was desperately trying to tell her my secret. She said it was too late and I should have told her sooner. She could not have anything to do with me now. The train stopped again and she quickly got off. I followed her to her house and began banging on the door. She would not let me in. I got back on the train and continued to attempt to get someone to listen. Suddenly the floor turned to dirt and I could no longer find anywhere to stand. I was forced into another car and I began to cry. In this car stood a very strong and fearless man. He was the conductor of the train. He began to cry with me. I felt safe, secure and at ease. I realized that he would be the person to help me through this very difficult journey. The tears flowed harder and faster... and then I woke up.

Although this was just a dream, the tears were very real. I know this because my pillow was damp and my face was wet. I recorded this dream in my journal almost three years ago, just a few weeks after I gave birth to and placed my son for adoption. The train was my life journey, the conductor was me and the secret was my pregnancy, which I had hidden from the world.

My personal experience with adoption has truly been a journey of self-discovery, determination, courage, sadness, loss, grief, anguish. I could go on and on. Through all of this, I have become a much stronger person both spiritually and mentally. I came to the realization that I alone held the key to picking up the pieces of my life and making it once again whole and plentiful. After I had this very profound dream, I realized that a part of me would be gone forever, but I also knew that I could learn from my experience.

I know now that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. This is a very simple realization, but it was something that I had doubted in myself before. I have learned, through my experience, the importance of having support from family and close friends. The value of having allies such as these cannot be compared to all the riches in the world. When I was pregnant and in crisis, I did not seek the support of my family and friends. Instead I shut them out and denied them access to my true feelings.

Since then, I have reopened the door to my family. One by one, I have revealed my secret to them, praying that the person I was telling wouldn't tell the next person before I myself had the chance to do so. Everyone was shocked by my news; to my surprise, I found I had done a great job of concealing the pregnancy. To this day, I wonder if they all really knew and were in denial because no one wanted to face the truth.

I kept the pregnancy from my family because I felt that they would not have given me the support I needed or wanted. I knew deep inside that if I told them about my secret, they may have convinced me to parent my son. They all tell me they would have responded differently. I have to admit that I do regret not telling my family. Maybe they would have supported my decision. Could it be that, had I had their support and love, the adoption would have been easier? I doubt it. But I could have shared the birth and the nine months with them. I would not have had to lead a double life for the year it took me to tell them that I had given birth to a baby boy and placed him for adoption.

My experience with adoption has made me see life through a brand new pair of glasses. My relationship with my family is more open and real. I feel that now I can talk to them about anything. I am no longer afraid to find out what they really think. I know now that I can take control of my life and shape and mold it in the way I want, in a way that I am comfortable and happy with.